Guilt
by ballistics belle
Summary: Alone in the lab one night, Horatio and Calleigh give into temptation and kiss. Only problem, both are engaged to someone else But when the unimaginable happens, will they survive? Or will the consequences be more than either of them can handle.
1. Someone else's dream

**Chapter 1**

**A/N: **This is the first Miami fic that I've ever posted but I almost always write Miami ones, New York was just a fluke. This piece I actually turned in for the short story part unit in creative writing. The first six chapters at least.

**Summary:** Alone in the lab one night, Horatio and Calleigh give into temptation and kiss. Only problem, both are engaged to someone else? But when the unimaginable happens, will they survive? Or will the consequences be more than either of them can handle.

_When the one you love is in love with someone else, don't you know its torture, I mean its living hell. - Rod Stewart, My Heart Can't Tell You No_

The lab was quiet. It was these times in between shifts, when nightshift quite wasn't in yet and all of dayshift was gone…well, all but two.

Calleigh Duquesne was still in her ballistics lab. Sure, other criminalists used it, but she liked to think of it as her own private place, somewhere for her to come and find respite when she was running at full speed. It was also a place where she found herself doing a lot of soul searching.

Tonight was one of those times that she just needed to sort through her thoughts. Her excuse for staying late was a report that needed to be finished. It now lay open and incomplete on her desk, while she sat in her chair, lost in thought.

Horatio Caine was the other soul still hanging around. He sat up in his office, one floor above Calleigh, forcing himself to do some of his neglected paperwork but his head and heart just weren't in it.

So he sat and mused about his fiancé, and the future in general. He thought about how things were going to be now that he and his employee, Eric Delko, were going to be brother-in-law's. He thought about Tim and how much he missed him and about how hard Ryan was trying to fit in. And he thought about Calleigh and her up coming nuptials.

He was truly happy for her. She and John Hagen seemed to genuinely be in love with each other, despite their old issues. He knew Calleigh was going to make a wonderful wife. John was a very lucky guy.

But Horatio couldn't help but feel a little sad and even a bit jealous about the thing. Not that he didn't love his bride-to-be. Marisol was a beautiful, young, vibrant woman and he couldn't be happier about marrying her. But Calleigh had always meant more to him than he was willing to admit.

But what Horatio didn't know, was that the feeling was mutual. Calleigh had loved him from the day she met him, but he had made it clear to her that she wasn't his type and that Marisol was his true love.

She was happy for both them. They deserved each other. But it didn't soften the little ache she felt every time she saw them together. Calleigh loved John, there was no mistaking it. But her feelings for Horatio would always be hidden away deep in her heart.


	2. Friends and Lovers

**Friends and Lovers**

_A friend is always good to have, but a lover's kiss is better. - Dave Matthews Band, #40_

Horatio had given up on his work. He shut his computer down and locked up his office. On his way out, he noticed a light on down the hall. Turning towards it, he wasn't surprised when he found her. She was the only one other than him that would be there at that hour.

Calleigh was so lost in her thoughts; she hadn't noticed Horatio's approach until he spoke.

"Knock, knock." Her head shot up to find him leaning casually against the door frame, arms draped across his chest and a little smile on his face.

"Hey Horatio." She gave him a warm smile, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"What are you doing here, Ms. Duquesne, or should I say Mrs. Hagen?" He joked and she tried to laugh.

"John's working a double and-"

"You hate an empty apartment." He finished, remembering she had told him once that she worked so that because she hated being alone in her house. "You want some company?" He offered. She raised an eyebrow.

"Where's the future Mrs. Caine?"

"Out of town. She'll be back tomorrow. It's just me and Bomber tonight." Bomber was Horatio's Boxer that Calleigh had convinced him to get when he complained about having no one to come home to. Her stare softened and he took that as an invitation. He grabbed a stool and sat down across from her. "I miss you, Calleigh." He declared out of the blue.

"You miss me? How can you miss me, you see me everyday." She said, looking at him like he was crazy.

"I know that I see you on a daily basis, but we don't talk anymore, at least not like we used to. We're just not as close anymore." He explained. Calleigh looked down at her lap.

"I guess that's what happens when you get married. You lose touch with your old life." She shrugged, knowing full well that every word she spoke was true.

"It doesn't have to be like that. Just because we're marrying other people doesn't mean we have to stop being friends." She smiled at him sadly.

"Come on, Horatio. You and I live in the real world. You don't really think that we're going to be double dating and having dinner parties, do you? 'Cause I don't." Horatio looked into her teary blue eyes and saw how serious she was.

"So that's how you really feel?" He asked, trying not to sound too hurt.

"It's not how I want to feel but it's the truth and I can't argue with that!" She snapped and instantly regretted it. "I'm sorry, Horatio. I'm just really stressed out right now. John has been on my ass all week about my father and I'm just ready to scream." She ran her hands through her hair.

"What does he have against your dad?" Calleigh tried not to laugh.

"Pick a feature. Lately he's been on me about my choice to have my father walk me down the aisle. He doesn't trust him to show up sober…and would it be horrible if I admitted that I don't either?"

"Well, with his track record, I'd say that you have every right to have some doubts." He answered honestly. She sighed heavily.

"I just wish that John and Daddy would get along. But John just hates him." Horatio was quiet a moment before he answered.

"I think that John is angry because he wants to protect you. And well, I know I have some issues with your father. Some of the things he's done to you aren't right." Calleigh stared at him intensely

"You do?"

"Yeah. I hate the fact that he abused you as a kid and I hate the fact that he continues to use you without any regard for your well being." He admitted freely. Both were quiet a moment. "I'm sorry if I offend you. That wasn't my intention." He apologized.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Everything you said was true. And, it's noble of you to think that John cares like that, but he doesn't. The only reason my John doesn't like my father is because my father doesn't like John. He likes you." Horatio looked at her in shock but she seemed perfectly calm. She was even bold enough to go on. "Why didn't we ever try? What were we so afraid of? Failing?...Or making it work?" She searched his eyes, trying to find some answer. Obviously finding what she needed, she got up and came around to him. Later, he would blame what happened on the heat of the moment and bad judgment.

Horatio reached out and placed his hand on her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned her head into his hand, where she placed the softest kisses on his palm. When she opened her eyes again, he leaned down and captured her lips in hungry, urgent kiss.


	3. This Kiss

**This Kiss**

_"Just because two lips have met, doesn't mean two hearts are joined."-anon._

The kiss was everything they both knew it would be if it ever happened: passionate, warm, sensual….and now, completely wrong. Calleigh was the first to break away.

"This is wrong. We're both in love with other people." She panted.

"Yeah, and obviously in love with each other as well." He added.

"Don't say that! You cant' say that!" She exclaimed as she started to pace.

"Why? Because it's the truth?"

"Yes! That's exactly why. And I can't deny it anymore. So now I have to go marry one man, but be in love with another." She yelled. He just stood there.

"What are we going to do about it then?" He yelled back. This whole thing was such a mess now.

"We're both going to go back to our fiancés and forget this whole thing ever happened. No one needs to know about this." She declared forcefully. Her cell phone cut off Horatio from replying. "It's John. I've got to go." She hurried off before he could give her any kind of reply. John was already waiting for her when she entered the lobby.

"Hey baby, you ready to go home?" She put on her best face, hoping her didn't notice the guilt in her eyes.

"Yeah, let's go." He took her hand and kissed the back of it. She smiled and wrapped her arms around him. "Are you okay, Cal?"

"I'm just tired." He accepted the answer without further questioning which relieved her. All she wanted to do was go home and sleep this off like the nightmare it was. She was quiet on in the car. John kept stealing glances her.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked a little more worried this time.

"I told you, I'm just—John!"


	4. Not How I Wanted This

**Not How I Wanted This**

**A/N: yes, i did edit this one a little but i just changed the quote because the other one fit better in the other chapter. The song is Untitled by Simple Plan. It's such a good song!**

_I open my eyes  
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light  
I can't remember how  
I can't remember why I'm lying here tonight _

Searing pain was the first thing that Calleigh became aware of when she finally came around. Total silence was the second.

"John?" She tried to open her eyes to look for him, but bright white lights blinded her, forcing her to close them again. "John?" She called again and still received no answer.

_And I can't stand the pain  
And I can't make it go away  
No, I can't stand the pain_

She tried to turn towards where she thought he was when another fact became very clear to her; she couldn't move. The front end of the car was completely smashed in and the dash board had been forced into the cabin, effectively pinning her in her seat. She could still use her arms but her legs were useless. "John?...John!" She screamed as her panic increased. He never responded.

_  
How could this happen to me  
I've made my mistakes  
Got nowhere to run  
The night goes on as I'm fading away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me_

Horatio tried to sleep but his mind wouldn't quit. All he could think about was how complete he felt when he was kissing Calleigh. But the guilt he felt was enormous. Marisol was his wife-to-be and he loved her to death.

He tried to make excuses for what he had done but it felt wrong. Everything about the whole situation felt wrong. He never had to tell Marisol about the kiss. She wasn't home and no one witnessed it. The only two people who knew about it were Calleigh and he and he knew that she would never tell a soul. She wanted it erased as bad as he did. His ringing cell phone burst into his thoughts.

"Caine."

"Horatio, its Frank…. There's been an accident." The detective's somber voice stopped Horatio's heart.

"Mari." He choked, praying that nothing had happened to her.

"No, it's Calleigh and John. You better get down here, H. It's really bad." Running on pure fear, Horatio hung up and rushed out, hoping to God that things didn't end like this.

_I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me...  
_


	5. She Cries

**She Cries**

'_Oncoming car went out of control, it crushed my baby, it crushed my soul.'-Ramones, 7-11_

When he arrived at the scene, he had to take a minute to let everything sink in. The unmarked police cruisers' front end was completely flattened and the driver's side was wrapped around a light pole. The other vehicle, a pick up truck, had some front end damage but nothing as bad as the Taurus.

Frank was at his side as soon as he exited his car. He rambled off different facts that on any other occasion Horatio would have listen intently to, but right now he just couldn't focus. All he could think about was that a woman he loved was in that car and there was no way she could have walked away from it unharmed.

"Where's Calleigh?" Horatio demanded, cutting off the detective in mid sentence. Tripp looked at Horatio oddly for a second before realizing that his friend hadn't heard a word he had just said.

"Paramedics took her about 30 minutes ago to Mt. Sinai Hospital. She was trapped in the front seat. They had a hard time getting her out. When they took her she was unconscious but I think she was awake and aware at some point." Frank repeated. Now it was Horatio turn to look at him oddly.

"What makes you say that?" Frank shifted on his feet. He seemed almost uncomfortable about answering.

"She had tear stains on her cheeks. You don't cry when you're unconscious." The revelation hit him hard. She knew what had happened and was aware enough of her situation to cry. Calleigh never cried, never. For her to be weak enough to do so just reinforced his belief in the seriousness of the situation.

When he finally managed to get his mind to work again, he had the sense to ask about the other passenger.

"What about John?"

"He—" Frank's cell phone cut off his reply. "Tripp……Shit….Yeah, I'll let him know. Thanks." Horatio waited patiently for what he knew to be bad news form the look on the other man's face. "That was Alexx. She just responded to a call from the medics. John died en route to the hospital 10 minutes ago." The information struck like a punch. It wasn't fair. Calleigh had finally found real happiness and now it was all being ripped away from her.


	6. Paying a Price

**Paying a Price**

**A/N:** This chapter was the last part that I turned into to my teacher for my short story. I still haven't gotten it back yet so I have no idea what she thought of it! I do know that you guys like it, and because of that, I'm going to be nice and give you two chapters this time. Especially 'cause this one is pretty short.

'_I've paid a price and I'll keep paying.'-Dixie Chicks, Not ready to make nice._

He felt sick to his stomach. The guilt he had felt earlier was nothing compared to what he was feeling now. 3 hours ago everything had been fine. Then in a moment of weakness, everything had been blown to hell. John was dead. Calleigh could be dying and Horatio was now torn between the woman he had always wanted and the one he was going to marry. He shook his head. God sure had a funny sense of timing.

His parking job at the hospital left something to be desired, but that was the last thing on his mind as he sprinted across the lot and into the ER. A young nurse standing at the desk looked up in surprise when he entered.

"Can I help you, sir?" She inquired. Her accent or lack there of, placed her somewhere in the Midwest, possibly Chicago. Her name tag read Casey.

"I'm looking for someone who was just brought in. Calleigh Duquesne?" The brunette typed something into a computer before answering.

"She was just brought up to surgery a few minutes ago."

"Can you tell me her condition?" He begged. She gave him a sad smile.

"I'm sorry sir but unless you're family or next of kin, I can't release any information on her condition." He sighed, frustrated and then got a brilliant idea.

"I'm Lt. Horatio Caine. I'm the investing officer on the case and I need to know her condition so that I can properly charge the suspect we have in custody." It wasn't all a lie, he was Lt. Horatio Caine. Casey looked at him and then to his badge and then finally the computer.

"Actually Lt., you're listed as her next of kin." She informed him with a little smile. "Surgery is on the 3rd floor. There's a waiting room up there. I'll inform them that you're here and some one will update you." Horatio thanked the girl and then practically ran to the elevator. She was alive, for now.

As he paced the waiting room floor, he tried to keep the thoughts at bay but one just persisted until he couldn't fight it anymore. If this was the price that she had to pay for their sin, what was his?


	7. Only Getting Worse

**Only Getting Worse**

**A/N:** Now it's time for the hard core angst. I tried to be as medically accurate as possible so don't hurt me if something is wrong. And as far as anything regarding the characters, I fully believe in creative license.

'_And I can hear the devil whisper, things are only getting worse.'-Alan Jackson, Monday Morning Church_

Seconds ticked by slowly and minutes blurred into hours as he waited for any news from the doctors. She had been in surgery for nearly eight hours. The more time that went by, the more undecided he became. Waiting was good because it meant she was still alive. But it also meant that when she pulled through, he would have to face her and break her heart with his little black cloud.

He had been trying to get in touch with her father to no avail when he remembered that she had two brothers. He had no idea how to reach them but he knew that she had to have the numbers somewhere. Putting Speed on the job, he managed to get a hold of her younger brother, Sam.

Horatio had been a cop for almost twenty years. He had had to tell thousands of mothers that their daughters or sons weren't coming home. But telling that young man that his big sister was broken, was worst thing he'd ever had to do in his career. And to make matters even worse than they were, right after he hung up with Sam, she called.

"Caine."

"Hey sweetheart, where are you? I came home expecting a warm welcome and came home to nothing instead." He could hear it in her voice that she was a little pissed. He ran a hand over his weary face.

"I'm sorry, Mar. It's just, there was an accident."

"Accident! Oh my God, are you okay?" She panicked.

"I'm fine. It was Calleigh and John. I've spent all night waiting for any news on her." He tried to explain but it only served to irritate her more.

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that. I know how much she means to you." She replied, not the least bit concerned. He shook his head. Marisol had never liked Calleigh because she saw her as a threat. Her distaste for the blonde was obvious and though Cal had tried to be nice to her in the beginning, his fiancé's bitterness melted her sugary southern sweetness into a mutual hatred.

He really didn't want to get into this argument yet again. Thankfully, he was saved by the doc.

"Look, I got to go. We'll talk later." He disconnected and stood. The doctor wore a weary look and walked dreadfully slow. As he drew near, the sinking feeling in Horatio's stomach grew.

"Are you here for Ms. Duquesne?" Horatio was so nervous all he could do was nod. "I'm Doctor Lexington, I was Ms. Duquesne's-"

"Calleigh, Her name is Calleigh." Horatio insisted.

"Alright, I was Calleigh's surgeon. When she came into the ER last night she had sustained multiple life threatening injuries." The doctor hesitated a moment. "Why don't we sit down?" He led them back to the couch. Now Horatio was really scared. Nothing good ever came when they made you sit. He knew that first hand.

"Just tell me, doctor. I need to know." He pleaded. Lexington took a deep breath.

"It was very touch and go for awhile. We lost her pulse twice but we were able to stabilize her. She has a concussion, a broken wrist, four broken ribs, and a punctured lung. More seriously, she had some internal bleeding due to the broken ribs and," the doctor paused again and Horatio wanted to punch him in the face for it. "She has serve spinal cord trauma." Horatio's mind was reeling. How could she have possibly survived all of that? And then his mind did a double take. Serve spinal cord trauma?

"How bad is it?"

"We won't know the full extent of the damage until she wakes up, if she wakes up."

"She's going to wake up." Horatio growled.

"The accident crushed one of her vertebrae and one of the bone fragments in lodged in her spinal cord." Doctor Lexington explained.

"Can't you just take it out?"

"It's not that simple. It's a very delicate and dangerous surgery. Right now Calleigh is not strong to undergo another surgery. Especially not one as invasive as that, and there's no guarantee that she'd even survive it. Removing that bone fragment could very well kill her. The injury is not life threatening at the moment."

"Just life altering, right? I mean, she is paralyzed, isn't she?" Horatio asked, suddenly very bitter.

"Like I said, we won't know the full extent of the damage until she wakes up, but I will say now, the odds are not in her favor. She may regain some movement, but she'll never walk again." Doctor Lexington stood and walked to the door. "She'll be heavily sedated for awhile but once we get her settled in ICU, I don't see why you can't see her for a few minutes. I'll send a nurse down when she's ready." He left Horatio alone to let everything sink in. It was would take awhile to process all of this. Once the doctor was out of sight, Horatio put his head in his hands and did something he almost never did.

He wept.


	8. Torn

**Torn**

**A/N: **to answer xyber116 question, when you're engaged to other people and you make out with someone other than your fiancé, I think that falls under the category of committing adultery….I think.

'_I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand.'- 3 Doors Down, Let Me Go_

Alexx was the first of the group to arrive at the hospital. She found Horatio with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. She walked over slowly and sat down next to him. She placed her hand on his arm to register her presence there. He just turned and looked at her. His face said everything.

"It's really bad, isn't it?" She dared herself to ask. He nodded slowly and swallowed hard.

"She's paralyzed, Alexx. She's never going to walk again." He said, almost in tears again. Alexx felt like she had just been sucker punched in the gut. This wasn't happening. Not to their sweet, loving, happy Calleigh.

"Does her family know?" She inquired.

"I couldn't reach her dad but I called her little brother. He's on his way down from Chicago as we speak." Horatio rubbed his tired eyes. "I just want this to be a really bad nightmare. I want to wake up and see her standing there, smiling. Walking down the aisle, marrying John, not burying him." He spat bitterly. Alexx said nothing as he stood and started to pace.

Horatio watched as a second and then a minute and then an hour ticked by. Marisol called two more times but he could only stand to answer once. As horrible as it may have seemed, she was the last person he wanted to talk to at the moment. She'd ask him questions that he couldn't answer and Mari deserved to know everything.

Marriage requires full disclosure. Horatio had come to realize this after his first marriage fell apart. And the more he thought about it, the more he realized that, maybe that was why he could never bring himself to fully let Calleigh in. To do so would require him to bear the scars of a past that he would rather forget. It didn't matter to Mari what baggage he carries, or what he'd done, she loved him. Period, end of discussion.

But with Calleigh, it was an unknown. Last night was the closest he had ever come to letting her in.

'_And look at what happened'_

A new person entered the room and his thoughts. A nurse, this one older and more somber than the one before, stood in the doorway.

"You can go see her now."


	9. Crashing Down

**Crashing Down**

**A/N: **I'm sorry that it's taken so long to get this chapter up but it has been driving me up a wall, so I'm sorry if it's not very good but I need to keep this story going so it doesn't stall and die on me.

_The wrong people die and the reason is this; life's not fair.- William Golden_

Horatio was just about to enter Calleigh's room when a new doctor exited.

"She just woke up a few minutes ago. I haven't had a chance to talk to her about her condition, so if you can make this visit short, I'd appreciate it." The doctor informed, answering the question that was written all over his face. She then disappeared down the hall, leaving Horatio standing in the doorway.

Calleigh had been looking out the window. She turned towards him when she heard him approach.

"Hey." She said, trying to smile.

"Hey, how do you feel?" She gave a little laugh.

"Like I've been hit by a truck." Horatio would have laughed if it wasn't true. Calleigh noticed the change in his mood. "Where's John? I would have expected him to be at my side." The raspiness in her voice drowned her accent, making her sound so much older.

"Cal, do you remember what happened?" He knew she had a bad concussion and that memory loss was not uncommon in head traumas.

"I remember being at CSI, us talking and…..the kiss. Last thing I remember though, was leaving with John, then I woke up here." She shrugged sheepishly. Horatio didn't know what was worse, the fact that she didn't remember the accident, or the fact that she remembered the kiss. Calleigh stared at him expectantly. He took a deep breath. He really didn't want to do this.

"Calleigh, sweetheart, you were in a car accident. A pick up truck crossed the center line and hit your car head on." Her breathing became shallow as he explained and tears filled her eyes as she saw the look on his face.

"No……It's not true. It's not true." She shook her head as his eyes filled with tears.

"Calleigh, I'm so sorry." He tried to take her hand but she pushed him away. "Cal, I-"

"Get out." Her voice dropped and showed no emotion.

"Cal-"

"Leave me alone!" She shouted. A nurse appeared in the doorway.

"I think it's time to go, Lt." She said as more of a command than a suggestion. Horatio took one last look at Calleigh, who was staring out the window again, before obeying the order. Once he was out of sight, she covered her face with her hands and sobbed. This couldn't possibly be happening. It was just one big fucking nightmare. It had to be. It just wasn't humanly possible for things to be as screwed up as they were.

"Ms. Duquesne?" Calleigh pulled her hands away to stare at the woman standing at the foot of her bed. "I'm Doctor Maura Hayes. I'll be taking over as your primary physician while you're here. Doctor Lexington will remain as your surgeon when needed." Calleigh just continued to stare at this woman. With dark reddish-brown hair that lay in an unruly ponytail around her shoulders and cat like green eyes, Maura was not an unattractive woman. Thin and well built, she couldn't have been much taller than Calleigh herself.

Maura rambled on about different things that Calleigh couldn't bring herself to give a damn about. Didn't this woman know what had happened? Didn't she know that John was dead? The man who was to be her husband in 2 weeks was gone forever and all this woman could do was smile at her sadly.

"Ms. Duquense," Her cheery voice brought snapped Calleigh back into the hell known as reality. "Ms. Duquesne I need you to tell me when you feel anything." Calleigh stated at Maura widely as she pulled a little roller out of her lab coat and put it against her foot. She watched her slowly move up her leg, but she never felt anything.

"I can't feel it." She admitted as Maura stopped at her hips.

"Okay, that's okay." Maura reassured.

"No, that's not okay. Why can't I feel my legs?" Calleigh insisted. Maura paused a moment.

"One of the injuries you sustained in the accident was damage to your spinal cord. One of your vertebrae shattered and a bone fragment is now lodged in you lower spinal cord." Calleigh looked at her in horror.

"So you're saying I'm paralyzed? I can't walk anymore?" She asked, on the verge of tears again.

"Yes. You've lost the use of your legs. Now with intense physical therapy, you may regain some movement, but it's highly unlikely that you'll ever walk again." Maura explained somberly. Calleigh laid her head back and closed her eyes. "Are you in any pain at the moment? Do you need some more medication?" She didn't respond.

Yes, she was in pain, but no amount of Vicidin or Morphine could take away the hurt that she felt all over. Taking her patients' silence as an answer, Maura quietly left the young woman alone to process everything. Finally alone, Calleigh just lay there and let the tears run down her face.

It was like the whole world was crashing down on her.


	10. Holding it Together

**Holding it Together**

**A/N:** Okay, first thing I need to clarify since I've gotten a lot of questions about it, **Yes, this will be an H/C fic**. Now that's settled, pull out tissues, it's time for the tear jerker.

'_Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do, But to hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.-Anon._

'_Can I open my eyes yet?' Calleigh asked for the tenth time as John guided her. _

'_Not yet, it's a surprise.' _

'_Please?' She begged._

'_Alright, you can open them.' He removed the blindfold from her eyes. She gasped and put her hand over her mouth. 'Happy anniversary.' He whispered in her ear. She turned around and stared at him with teary eyes._

"_Oh John, it's beautiful.' Before them was a romantic moonlit picnic set up on the rooftop of the Aria hotel. John took her hand and led her over to the blanket. Once seated, he poured them both a glass of the champagne that had been chilling._

'_To us.' She raised her glass in a toast. He lifted his as well._

'_To forever.' She stared at him curiously as he took a sip of the liquor. _

'_What are you up John Hagen? And don't you dare try to lie to me.' She sassed._

'_I wouldn't dream of it.' John took her hand into his and suddenly it all made sense. 'You're beautiful Calleigh Duquesne. And smart and funny and sexy. You have the biggest heart I've ever seen and I just feel so honored to be a part of your life. I love you and I know that I will never find another person as perfect for me as you are. So will do me the honor of becoming my wife?' She stared through teary eyes at a beautiful princess cut diamond set in an antique silver band._

'_Yes.' She cried. 'Yes. I would love to be your wife.' Calleigh wiped away her tears as he placed the ring on her finger. The gem glittered in the moonlight as she wiggled her fingers. _

'_It was my grandmothers' ring. When my mother gave it to me I knew it was fate. You have the same ring size.' He commented as he watched her stare at it. Finally getting over the shock, Calleigh wrapped her arms around him._

'_I love you John.' _

'_I love you too Cal………Cal……….._

"Cal….Calleigh!" Calleigh snapped back to reality at the sound of her brother's worried voice. "You okay? You scared me there for a minute." Sam watched his sister carefully. Wherever she had just been was painful. It might not have always been that way, but right now from the look on her face, that memory hurt like hell.

"I'm fine. Just a little disconnected from the meds." She lied. Sam didn't need to know and she didn't want to talk about it, or more, she couldn't talk about it. Not now and maybe not ever.

"Ms. Duquesne?" Calleigh rolled her head towards the door where the nurse was standing. "You have a visitor."

"Who is it?" She prayed it wasn't Horatio. She hadn't seen him since she kicked him out of her room and right now she was still too weak, physically and emotionally, to deal with all of that right now.

"She says her name is Renee Hagen." Horatio suddenly became the least of her worries. "I can send her away if you'd like." The nurse offered.

"No, no send her in." The nurse disappeared again.

"Who is that Cal?" Sam asked. She looked at him sadly.

"My future mother-in-law or at least she was supposed to be." She took a deep breath. She didn't want to do this, but she knew that Renee was hurting as bad, if not worse, than she was.

"I'm going to go get some coffee. I'll be back later." Sam squeezed her hand as he stood. She caught his eye and gave him a painful smile.

"Thanks little brother." She knew it was just an excuse. Sam hated coffee.

As he was leaving the room, Renee entered. With shoulder length reddish-brown hair and soft green eyes, she was a beautiful woman and Calleigh knew that she had the heart to match.

"Hey sweetheart. How are you holding up?" Renee wrapped her arms around her as best she could.

"I'm alive…" Calleigh put her hand over her mouth. "I am so sorry. I can't believe I just said that to you." Renee took Calleigh's other hand and held it tight.

"Now listen to me. Don't you dare feel bad or guilty about the fact that you survived and he didn't. You had no control over that. God decided that it was John's time to go and God decided that you were going to live, alright? It's not your fault." Both women had tears in their eyes as they held each others hands.

"How are you holding it together so well? John was your only son. And yet, here you are, making sure I was alright. How can you handle this so well?" Calleigh couldn't understand why she wasn't falling apart. Her baby boy was suddenly taken away from her and here she was, sitting at her daughter-in-law's bedside, comforting her.

"Honey I hurt. I hurt so bad I can feel it physically. But I also know that I wasn't the only women in his life. And in a way, I was always prepared for this day. I'd been preparing for it from the day he graduated from the academy. And honey I'd go through heaven and hell to get him. I'd sell my soul in a heartbeat to save his. I can rant and rave and yell and scream and beg with every breath in my body but I can't bring him back and I know that. I'm struggling. Mothers shouldn't have to bury their children. It's not the natural way and I pray that you never know how I feel. I will never be okay with the fact that my son is dead, but I'll learn to cope and I'll get through it. And one of the things that will help, is focusing on the living 'cause we're the ones left to carry on." Calleigh was in full fledge sobs at this point. Renee sat down on the edge of her bed and pulled her in close to her. As she held her, she stroked her hair and spoke to her softly like Calleigh's mother had done for her when she was younger. "I don't want you to worry about anything, okay? I'll take care of everything. You just get better."

"Thank you." Calleigh muttered into her shoulder. Renee kissed the top of her head.

"You're welcome, sweetie. You're so very welcome."


	11. Difficult

**Difficult **

**A/N: **Wow, I thought I would have this chapter posted a lot sooner than this. Oh well, better late than never right?

'_Everyone's got a fear about the bitter ones.'-Savage Garden, To the Moon and Back_

"Oh come on Eric, it's not fair." Ryan whined as his partner just stood there and smiled.

"No way, man. I'm not switching cases with you. You got paired with H, so you have to be a big boy and deal with the boss, even if he is a little….difficult to deal with at the moment." Eric placed his hand on the younger man's shoulder as he spoke to him as if he were a child.

"Difficult doesn't begin to describe him right now. Have you ever seen him like this before?" Eric shook his head.

"No. I don't know what's got his boxers in bunch but ah, have fun." He patted his partner's shoulder before walking away. Before disappearing from sight, he called back down the hall. "Watch you six, Mr. Wolfe."

"Ha ha very funny, Delko." Ryan muttered under his breath before turning around and looking up at the office above him. This was going to suck.

* * *

"Mari I can't talk right now." Horatio repeated for the third time as he rested his elbow on the desk. 

He had been attempting to finish the paperwork that he had neglected a few nights ago, but once again his mind constantly ran away from him. Only this time, instead of pleasant thoughts, he was haunted by memories of his talk with Calleigh and all that followed.

"You're with her aren't you?" Marisol accused. "Tell me something Horatio, what is so damn special about her anyways? What is it about her that has you so infatuated with her?" Horatio sighed.

"She's my friend, Mar."

"Yeah and I'm your fiancé. Guess who's more important?" She snapped. He ran a hand over his tired face.

"Of course you're more important-"

"Really? 'Cause it sure doesn't seem like it. For almost a week now you haven't been here with me because you're sitting at your 'friend's' beside. Or if you are here with me, you really aren't because you're thinking about her." Marisol ranted. She had known from day 1 that Calleigh was going to be a problem. Horatio and she were way too close for comfort. She thought things would get better once Calleigh was married, but it actually seemed to make matters worse.

"Marisol-"

"No, you know what, I give up. There's no point in talking to you right now, so I'm not going to waste my breath."

"Mari don't-"

Click.

Horatio glared at the phone for a minute before slamming it down and then placing his head in his hands.

"Horatio?" He lifted his head back up and found Ryan standing in his doorway.

"What?" He snapped, even though he knew he shouldn't have. Ryan hadn't done anything (yet). He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Ryan hesitated as he looked for a possible escape route. Finding none, he continued with his statement.

"Uh, Tripp wanted me to let you know that he's got our suspect waiting in interrogation." He said quickly. He wanted out of there, fast.

"I'll be right there." Horatio grumbled. Ryan nodded and quickly retreated. For once, he actually felt bad for the perp.

* * *

The morgue was quiet. Now most people would not find the fact strange or disheartening, but Eric Delko knew better. He knew that Alexx's autopsy theater was always filled with conversation, one sided or not. So for it to be silent he knew that Alexx had to be pretty upset. 

Eric found the medical examiner at her desk, back turned towards her latest patient. He came up behind her and gave her a one armed hug.

"It just isn't the same around here without her." Alexx sighed as he looked up at Eric.

"Tell me about it." He replied as he looked over at the table. "Is that…." She nodded.

"I just finished the post. COD was extangunation. The force of the collision tore his aorta. He bled out into his chest. He died almost instantly." Alexx's face was sad but her tone was tired. Eric's eyes lingered on the covered figure a minute longer before finally giving her his whole attention.

"How's Calleigh doing? I haven't gone by to see her yet. I figured she'd want her space." Alexx smiled sadly.

"She's hurtin' real bad, Eric, real bad. Losing John is hard enough on her but add to it her condition and she is really depressed. She doesn't talk much anymore. She just lays there…..I'm afraid to say it, but I think we're losing her. She's not coming back from this." Alexx admitted reluctantly.

"Speaking of losing it, have you talked to Horatio lately?" She shook her head.

"He's gone off the deep end hasn't he?" He nodded.

"He's a wreck…and really bitchy. All the lab techs are terrified of him. I've never seen him like this before."

"I have, once, back when Ray died. You know Eric, I have a feeling that something happened between those two." She pointed a finger at him.

"Like what?" She shrugged.

"I don't know. You're the CSI, you figure it out." He laughed but he couldn't help but take her seriously. Something was definitely up and he was bound and determined to figure out what, if not for him, then for everybody's sanity.


	12. In The End

**In The End**

**A/N: **First of all, I know it's been almost two weeks since I last update but life's been way too busy for my liking and I just haven't had to chance to update. But here it is. This should be enough to tide you over for awhile….Oh, and I'm not sure yet, but this may be one of the last chapters. But don't worry, there'll be sequel.

"_To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven…_"

Calleigh wished she were dead. Then she wouldn't have to go through this torture of sitting in a wheelchair and listening to people tell kind lies about a man that not even she truly knew.

'_A time to be born and a time to die…'_

Renee had stopped by her hospital room a few days ago, wanting her input on the funeral arrangements. Calleigh appreciated the gesture but John's death was something she wasn't ready to deal with. And picking out caskets and writing a headstone was just shoving it in her face when all she wanted was to be left alone to deal with things in her own way.

'_A time to kill and a time to heal….'_

She didn't want to talk. And she sure didn't want to talk to a psychologist. Talking wasn't going to change a damn thing, so, what was the point? But everyone else thought that they knew better, so they sent that annoying woman in to bother her and ask her questions that were none of her business. For the entire hour that the shrink was there, Calleigh never uttered a word.

'_A time to mourn and a time to dance…'_

A tear escaped down her cheek and spattered onto the black blanket covering her legs. Alexx had come by before the service to help her get ready. It had taken all the will power she had not to scream when Alexx helped her into her dress. It was the first time she since the accident had happened that she had gotten to really look at her legs. And what she saw pissed her off. Aside from a few cuts and bruise, they were fine. She could not understand how they could look okay but be completely useless. They should be horribly disfigured and ugly. Not normal.

'_A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them…'_

Calleigh had been seated right up next to the grave because of her wheelchair. Renee sat next to her on the left and standing behind her was Alexx, who kept a constant hand on her shoulder.

"_A time to embrace and a time to refrain…_"

Tripp had given a lovely eulogy. He talked about what a fine detective he was and what a loving man he was and how he would have made a great husband. She reminded herself to thank Frank for giving Renee that image to remember him by. She didn't need to know about what nasty temper he could have and what a jerk he could be when he just reacted instead of thinking about things. That didn't matter now anyways.

'_A time to search and a time to give up…"_

Through out the whole speech, she couldn't help but wonder what would have been said if it had been her instead of him? Would they lie and say how faithful she was to her man and what a great wife she would have been? Or would someone be honest and admit her weakness in the face of temptation. She would want the latter. She'd rather go to hell with a clear conscience, than go to heaven on a lie.

'_A time to keep and a time to throw away…_'

Horatio had been watching the service from the very back. He felt awkward being there. He and John had never really been close or even friendly. John had been Raymond's partner in Narco and though Horatio had tried to tell himself over and over again that Ray's death was not John's fault, he couldn't keep the suspicion out of the back of his mind-and John knew it. He had tried to be nice to the guy, but when he started getting close to Calleigh, he had to get protective. He wouldn't have been able to live with himself if John had ever hurt her. Horatio shook his head. What a cruel twist of fate. In trying to protect her, he caused her the most pain of all.

'_A time to love and a time to hate…'_

The preacher closed his Bible and stepped aside as the bugles began to play Taps. As the notes echoed in the silent yard, two men in uniform stood next to the coffin as they folded the flag that had been draped over the wooden box. When they had it folded into a perfect triangle, they handed it over to Chief Lewis who in turn handed it over to Renee.

"The city of Miami thanks you for your son's loyal service and dedication in serving the community as an officer of law. Your loss is felt by all the members of the force. Please accept our condolences and this flag in memory of him." Renee broke down into uncontrollable sobs as she clasped the flag to her chest. The chief then turn to Calleigh. "I'm so sorry." He leaned down and whispered in her ear. She nodded and placed her hand over his. He then stood up straight and walked over towards the riflemen.

At the sound of the first shots, Calleigh closed her eyes and bit her lip to hold back the tears. She refused to break. Not here. Not in front of all these people. Not when she felt this much guilt.

Another round of shots rang out and for the first time in her life, she felt no comfort from in the sound. She didn't itch to hold the rifle in her hands or feel the kickback against her shoulder. She didn't feel excited or happy inside like she usually did when the smell of gunpowder filled the air. She just felt dead.

The last rounds of the 21 gun salute fired. When the echo died away, a deathly silence fell over the crowd. Calleigh couldn't stand it. She wanted to scream out to everyone what she'd done. She wanted to confess her sins and beg for forgiveness. Instead, she stayed quiet. It wouldn't change anything anyways.

She opened her eyes again and stared at the crowd around her. They were all oblivious to what she had done. Except for him.

In the back of the crowd, she caught a glimpse of fiery red and instantly became physically ill. She hadn't seen Horatio since she kicked him out of her hospital room over a week ago. He lifted his head up and caught her eye. Around them, she could just barely make out the words to 'Amazing Grace' but all she could focus on was him.

He broke eye contact first and joined the crowd in singing, but she couldn't help but stare at him and wonder if he knew what he did to her.

"_What do you get when a 6ft tall man lies down with a 3ft long rifle?" Horatio stared intently at the ground beneath him as she examined the area around them._

"_Hot flashes, but that's just me." She said nonchalantly before blowing him away with one of her megawatt sassy smiles. _

Calleigh turned away and shook those thoughts from her head as the preacher gave one last prayer before reality sank in. The pallbearers came and stood by the coffin as they prepared to lower it. And that's when it hit her. John was really dead. He would now be spending eternity in that wooden box instead of with her. The tears ambushed her before she could fight them back and heavy sobs shook her tiny broken body. Alexx came around and held her tightly.

Watching from the back, Horatio desperately wanted to run forwards and hold her till she didn't hurt anymore. But it wouldn't be right. He belonged to Marisol and she belonged to John. So he stood back, with a heavy heart, and watched the love of his life suffer.


	13. Walking Away

**Walking Away**

**A/N: **This may be the last chapter, I'm not sure yet. What do you guys think? Should I do one more chapter or end it here? Review and let me know.

'_When we lose someone we love, our bitterest tears are called forth thinking of times when we loved not enough.'- Anon. _

The service ended and people began to slowly disperse from the gravesite, but three souls remained.

Calleigh's sobs had subsided but a few stray tears slowly made their way down her stained cheeks. Alexx sat at her side and gently held her hand.

"It's all my fault." Calleigh choked out. Her voice was rough and scratchy from emotion and lack of use.

"Now you listen to me and you listen good. You are not responsible for John's death, do you understand?" Alexx gave her hand a squeeze. Calleigh shook her head as she used her free hand to wipe at her wet cheeks.

"No, _you _don't understand. The night of the accident, I was distracted and because of that, John was paying attention to me and not the road. Don't you see? If he hadn't been so focused on me, he would have seen the truck and none of this would have happened." Calleigh said, struggling to keep it together as she spoke. Alexx, for once, didn't know what to say. The woman next to her was clearly hurting more than anyone was aware of and talking wasn't helping.

"Do you want to take a minute?" Calleigh nodded. Alexx gave her knee a squeeze and instantly winced. Shaking her head as she walked away, she figured that Calleigh wasn't the only one who had some adjusting to do.

From his spot in the back, Horatio had watched the two women talk but couldn't make out what they were saying. As Alexx appeared at his side, he gave a small smile.

"I thought it was a beautiful service." Alexx commented. Horatio nodded. The two stood in silence for a moment before Alexx finally broke. "Oh for god sakes, Horatio, go talk to her! Can't you see that she needs a friend right now?" She pointed to the woman sitting before them.

"Why me? You're her friend too?" Alexx clenched her jaw.

"Damn it, Horatio. She needs more than I can give her. Right now she needs you."

"NO, she doesn't! Right now, I am the _last_ thing she needs." He snapped. He then pulled his sunglasses out of his coat pocket and covered his eyes before walking away from the gravesite. And Calleigh.


	14. But Not Tonight

**But Not Tonight**

**A/N: **Well, because of all of your wonderful replies, I decided to give you one more chapter before I hit the complete button. But fear not, there is most definitely going to be a sequel. Trust me, we've just begun. And I promise, **it will have a happy ending**, just not quite yet.

'_But when you're standing at a crossroads, there's a choice you have to make.'-Carrie Underwood, Starts with Goodbye_

"…_We don't talk anymore, at least not like we used to. We're just not as close anymore…"_

"…_Why didn't we ever try? What were we so afraid of? Failing?...Or making it work?..."_

"…_Tell me something Horatio, what is so damn special about her anyways? What is it about her that has you so infatuated with her?..."_

"…_Damn it, Horatio. She needs more than I can give her. Right now she needs you…"_

Horatio squeezed his eyes shut as he rubbed his temple. His mind had been engaged in an intense internal battle and so far, he was getting his ass kicked. Alexx had been right in the fact that he and Calleigh needed to talk, desperately. But she was in such a vulnerable state right now that he couldn't bring himself to even go near her in fear of upsetting her more.

He wanted to help her. It killed him to sit back idle and watch her drown in her own guilt and grief. Lord knows that when Ray died she was the one who kept his head above the water; it was only fair for him to return the favor. But things were so much more complicated now. His relationship with Marisol was on the rocks and he knew that in trying to mend things between him and Calleigh, he may lose Marisol. But if he gave Mari all his attention, Calleigh would be gone from his life for good. Horatio began to pound his head against his desk. Everything was so complicated now.

"I've made a new discovery." He declared sensing Alexx's presence at the door.

"I'm listening." Alexx said, crossing her arms over her chest as she leaned against the doorjamb.

"Pounding your head against a hard object does not help to relieve headaches." He sat back up straight and closed his eyes as he rubbed the red spot that had started to form on his forehead.

"No, I wouldn't think that would feel very good." She left her post at the door and entered the office. "Here, try these." Horatio opened his eyes and found two pills sitting on his desk. He took them without any questions and then leaned back in his chair.

"Alexx, when did my life become so complicated that even I can't figure out what's right and what's wrong?" Alexx gave a little laugh.

"You're human, Horatio. Life is supposed to be complicated." Horatio opened one eye and stared at the woman sitting across from him. She stared back. "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." He opened both eyes now and glared at her.

"I hate it when you use Shakespeare against me." Alexx rolled her eyes.

"What I'm trying to say is that not everything is going to be black and white by the books. Especially not when there are hearts involved." She stopped and thought for a moment before going on. "Go talk to her, Horatio." He was quiet a moment.

"What do I say?" He asked timidly. She shrugged.

"It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you tried." Horatio sighed in defeat as he put his jacket back on.

"I hope you're right about this, Alexx. " As he exited the room and hurried down the stairs, Alexx muttered under her breath.

"I hope so too."

Calleigh was lying with her back towards the door when Horatio entered the room. She turned her head in his direction when she heard the familiar sound of him clearing his throat. He shifted uneasily on his feet. For the first time in the almost ten years that he'd known her, he was actually uncomfortable in her presence. She stared at the item in his hand with red rimmed eyes.

"I brought you flowers. I thought you might like something cheery to look at." He held up the boutique as he walked closer to her.

"Yellow tulips, you remembered."

"I never forgot." She gave a very small, very sad smile as he placed the flowers in a cup near her bed. She reached out and fingered a few of the petals.

"I was going to have tulips at my wedding." She commented as her voice clogged with tears.

"I'm sorry. I can take them away if-" Horatio reached out to remove them.

"No, leave them. Please." She put her hand on his arm. He pulled his arm back to his side and sat down in the chair next to her bed. She turned herself so that she could face him better. It hurt him to watch her struggle so much to do something so simple. Silence passed between them until Calleigh finally spoke. "Why did you come, Horatio?"

He was taken aback. At first he thought she was angry with him for coming but after looking into her eyes, he found that it was more a question of confirmation than curiosity.

"We need to talk, Cal." Calleigh turned her head away. She knew it was coming but she didn't think he'd be so direct about it. _'Since when has Horatio ever beaten around the bush about anything?'_ She thought herself.

"I can't talk about him, Horatio. It hurts to talk about him." She admitted tearfully.

"Then let's not talk about him. Let's talk about us." She turned to look at him again.

"What's there to talk about? _We_ don't exist. It's just me, and you and Marisol. There is no us. There never will be." Horatio looked her in the eye.

"I love Marisol," He started. Calleigh rolled her eyes and looked up at the ceiling. "Wait a minute, just hear me out. I love Marisol, but I also realize now that I love you too. It's a fact I can't deny. I made a promise to Marisol and I want to keep that promise, but I also want to keep you as a friend. I couldn't imagine my life without you." Calleigh looked back at him with tears in her eyes.

"How can you say that to me? Don't you know how much that hurts? I love you, Horatio Caine. And don't want to just be your friend." Calleigh wiped at the tears on her cheek and sniffled. "So it's up to you. Who's it going to be, me or her?"

Fin


End file.
